Unlearning People-Pleasing

Abstract

This paper was originally written for Dr. Scott Bowering’s EDUC 437 (Ethical Issues in Education) course. The assignment asked students to complete an “I-Change” project focused on a specific personal or relational pattern, document their practice of change over the semester, and write a final report that connected lived experiences to course concepts and scholarly sources. The paper uses APA citation style.

This paper explores my I-Change project on unlearning people-pleasing and practicing authenticity in everyday relationships. Anchored by a moment at the gym in which an older woman repeatedly apologized for needing help, I use that encounter as a mirror for my own habit of shrinking myself to avoid disapproval. Across the semester, I trace how people-pleasing shows up in my body and behaviour, including staying quiet in class discussions, lowering my voice, and replaying conversations after the fact. Drawing on Bai’s relational ethics, I argue that people-pleasing is not only a private flaw but an ethical issue that shapes whether genuine connection is possible. I then describe concrete moments of change in academic and community settings, including speaking up in HSCI 486, participating in an Indigenous EDI discussion circle, and navigating tension at home related to harm reduction work. Using Falkenberg’s framing of habitual behaviour, Neff’s self-compassion, and Kimmerer’s reciprocity, I reflect on how discomfort became a teacher rather than a punishment. Ultimately, the paper emphasizes that authenticity is an ongoing practice and that ethical living involves honesty that still cares for the relationship.